In 2008, I made myself a promise to create something every day for 100 days and post it online. I posted art, poetry, stories and dreams. It was my 100 day blog.
I was really new to the internet. Back then there was a platform called LiveJournal and I posted something every single day except when I couldn’t –and then I would start over at Day one. Eventually my hundred day blog became about 200 days of posting art and writing and poetry. I got a lot done. I made friends with a whole lot of like minded souls, and we shared our personal journeys and our writing and our paintings.
It was good for me. I think it might have saved my life.
I was trying to get myself out of a major depressive episode that had lasted for several years. I was totally stuck, frozen and fearful and unable to even leave my house a lot of the time. I was in hiding. From myself. That is what Depression is sometimes.
I put up a brave front and fulfilled my various obligations and responsibilities. I mean I bathed regularly– but I was trapped in an almost constant cycle of fear and shame and a lot of OCD house cleaning was involved.
My healing came from painting and drawing and keeping journals– and writing a play– and putting it all on the internet. I was making friends in various artist circles online– and showing them what I was doing. They were doing the same.
I ended up up making art friends all over the world. It was a bit of a miracle to be honest. I think it saved my life.
This led me to not only finish writing the play I mentioned, but actually perform that play in the Fringe Festival in 2011, as a solo show-despite unbelievable -heart-stopping- stage-fright.
So now it’s ten years later and I realize that getting myself out of my depression and my art out in the world was the goal of the past decade– and I realize today that I have fulfilled that goal.
For the past ten years I have consistently found ways to step way outside my comfort zone , face my fears and be seen in the light.
And I have a lot of fears to face– and shame and anxiety and feeling less then and not good enough but still I persist.
I made a lot of new friends in the world of theatre in Vancouver and we formed a writer’s group and that has been another step forward.
There have been times were I dropped into my default shame-based behaviour but I was dedicated and determined to get past all that.
This year I plan to go further. I have to. I don’t have time to waste on waiting.
I just came back from a trip to New York where a show I directed was in a festival and won Best Musical. How great is that? If you only knew how ten years ago this would have been impossible.
Now I don’t even know if blogging is still a thing. With Instagram and Twitter and other social media platforms, people document their every thought and meal and opinion and so with everybody expressing themselves that way I am not sure the slow process of an online journal is very popular. Never the less I continue to come here every once in a while and share something I have been thinking about.
Danielle La Porte says “Everything is progress” I believe her. Looking back on the past decade and getting ready for the new year I realize all the progress I have made even with all the ups and downs and false starts and disappointments and mini-depressions.
I have been on my path and I am getting somewhere,
So even if blogging is not really a thing , maybe someone will find this post and feel something kindred. Maybe I will prompt a sharing of something- a connection. Some inspiration. Some hope. Maybe someone might be inspired to check in and evaluate their own progress and realize that they have made lots.
2019 is coming soon and I am choosing a word for the year VISIBILITY–
and I have a tag on that word.. . to shed my cloak of invisibility and be seen regardless of how I am received.
Oh by the way here is the painting I posted on the first day of my 100 day blog