It all started with a 100 Day blog.

 

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In 2008, I made myself a promise to create something every day for 100 days and post it online. I posted art, poetry, stories and dreams.  It was my 100 day blog.

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I was really new to the internet. Back then there was a platform called LiveJournal and I posted something every single day except when I couldn’t –and then I would start over at Day one. Eventually my hundred day blog became about 200 days of  posting art and writing and poetry.

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I got a lot done. I  made friends with a whole lot of like minded souls, and we shared our  personal journeys and our writing and our paintings.

It was good for me. I think it might have saved my life.

I was trying to get myself out of a major depressive episode that had lasted for several years. I was totally stuck, frozen and fearful and unable to even leave my house a lot of the time.  I was in hiding. From myself.  That is what Depression is sometimes.

I put up a brave front and fulfilled my various obligations and responsibilities. I mean I bathed regularly– but I was trapped in an almost constant cycle of fear and shame and a lot of  OCD house cleaning was involved.

My healing came from painting and drawing and keeping journals– and writing a play– and putting it all on the internet. I was  making friends in various artist circles online– and showing them what I was doing. They were doing the same.

I ended up  up making art friends all over the world. It was a bit of a miracle to be honest. I think it saved my life.

This led me to not only  finish writing the play I mentioned, but actually perform that play  in the Fringe Festival in 2011,  as a solo show-despite unbelievable -heart-stopping-  stage-fright.

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So now it’s ten years later and I realize that getting myself  out of my depression and my art out in the world was the goal of the past decade– and I realize today that I have fulfilled that goal.

For the past ten years I have consistently found ways to step way outside my comfort zone , face my fears and be seen in the light.

And I have a lot of fears to face– and shame and anxiety and feeling less then and not good enough but still I persist.

I made a lot of new friends in the world of theatre in Vancouver and we formed a writer’s group and that has been another step forward.

There have been times were I dropped into my default shame-based behaviour but  I was dedicated and determined to get past all that.

This year I plan to go further.  I have to. I don’t have time to waste on waiting.

I just came back from a trip to New York where a show I directed was in a festival and won Best Musical.  How great is that? If you only knew how ten years ago this would have been impossible.

Now I don’t even know if blogging is still a thing. With Instagram and Twitter and other social media platforms, people document their every thought and meal and opinion and so with everybody expressing themselves that way I am not sure the slow process of an online journal is very popular. Never the less I continue to come here every once in a while and share something I have been thinking about.

Danielle La Porte says “Everything is progress” I believe her. Looking back on the past decade and getting ready for the new year I realize  all the progress I have made even with all the ups and downs and false starts and disappointments and mini-depressions.

I have been on my path and I am getting somewhere,

So even if blogging is not really a thing , maybe someone will find this post and feel something kindred.  Maybe I will prompt a sharing of something- a connection.  Some inspiration. Some hope. Maybe someone might be inspired to check in and evaluate their own progress and realize that they have made lots.

2019 is coming soon and I am choosing a word for the year VISIBILITY–

and I have a tag on that word.. . to shed my cloak of invisibility and be seen regardless of how I am received.

Oh by the way here is the painting I posted on the first day of my 100 day blog

 

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